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Author POV: In sickness and in health

 


Originally pulished on my Medium blog on 24.01.09.

Author POV is a new blog series in my ongoing project, The Year of the Novel.

There are certain topics that we don’t talk enough about when we talk about writing. Health is one of them. It’s probably not the most uplifting topic for a first Author POV, but it is an important one. Furthermore, I started this blog so that I can have an honest conversation with you about the challenges of writing a novel.

I’ve been dealing with digestive issues since I was 18. Stress, bad dietary choices, and genetic effing lottery have all played their part. It’s always just been a part of my life. Come 2018, and things were getting worse. On Christmas 2021, I had my second ever visit to the ER, with suspicion of appendicitis. And even though my appendix was perfectly alright, this little stint made one thing clear: I was not perfectly alright myself. Since then, these health problems were recurring at tighter intervals, putting a wrench in my daily life and my plans, and — quite frankly — causing me a great deal of pain. I do not complain. I act. Right now, I am in the middle of another process of tests and doctor visits (I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I live in a country where healthcare is virtually free, flawed as it may be). And I am in a constant struggle to find the diet that will soothe my rebellious digestive system.

I’ve been dealing with another problem, too, and this one is a more recent addition to the buffet of my life: and that is chronic fatigue. A recent test has revealed an acute vitamin-D deficiency, which could explain why I am tired all the time. Why I always want to go back to sleep, even if I’ve had a good night’s rest. It seems unbelievable that even six months ago, I was working full time, producing a podcast, writing, taking a language class, and doing pole dance twice a week. Yes, I was tired then too, but I had energy to spare. Where did that energy go? I can feel the fatigue in my body.

Again, I am not complaining. I am worried, though. And I am also disappointed. I’m disappointed in myself. There are times when I get angry with myself and with my own body, all the while I acknowledge that these feelings are not helpful. So, what do I do? What do any of us do when dealing with these self-destructive feelings? I wish I had a guidebook or a blueprint, ready-made to deal with these feelings and thoughts when they appear (or stave them off). But I don’t. I’m just as vulnerable to my own frustrations and anger as I ever was.

What I do have is experience. And from experience I know when it’s time to listen to my body when it’s telling me that something is wrong. I also have come to an understanding that I need to be kind to myself. To truly care about myself and my health. That means being forgiving of myself when I cannot be my productive self. It also means that I need to have faith and confidence when I am up to it, I will meet that word goal, that I will go dance practice. That I will finish my novel.

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